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| Just when I think I'm maturing beyond the ramblings on this site, something happens that makes me think that to the people who matter, I'll always be the pouty girl seeking attention. I can't believe how many times I begged for comments on here. I'm sorry I did that.
My brother has recently moved his family to Iowa, where he has a good job at a church leading music. At first, I was upset over it, selfishly feeling like I was losing him even more, just when we were starting to connect. The dissolving of that connection had begun before the job was even an option, but I selfishly chose to blame that on anything but me. I'm his sister, he should love me and want to spend time with me, so surely there are circumstances outside of my golden aura and angel wings that would cause him to distance himself from me.
Their family is in town for Christmas, and they came over yesterday. He's leading worship tomorrow where we went to church together before he left, and I've been telling him that I would like to help by singing or whatever I can. He hedged around it. I was planning on going anyway to spend more time with them and hear him play and sing, probably for the last time in a long time. But then today, my mother told me that I should think about even going because the reason my brother didn't want me on stage with him is because he'd rather be up there with my ex. They don't even know if I should go to my old church at all because my ex and his wife will be there. (He got married after dumping me, dating my best friend, and then dumping her.)
I still haven't plugged into my own new church. I haven't found a way to meet the music director, she's so elusive. But why bother when my own brother doesn't even want me on stage with him? I know none of that is really true. Of course I should get plugged in at my own church and do what I can there. I know it won't be as bad to get turned down by them even if they don't need me, because they're not family. They're not supposed to support me and help me out or give me straight answers. And I know my brother is afraid of drama, probably the biggest reason I always feel like he's always keeping himself at a distance.
I've always been drama. No matter how much I think I've grown, I always hear from people I haven't seen in a while that I haven't changed a bit. Am I really the same as I was even in middle school? God, I hope not. I was a decent listener then, so I guess I'd be glad if that was a reason I haven't changed. It's one of the few qualities I have to show for an otherwise selfish life.
This has me down right now, but do I really let it take away my opportunity to be with my brother and his family for a little bit? There were other people at that church I wouldn't mind seeing again, talking to. And I like my ex's wife, but should I talk to her? I'm never drama on purpose. I don't want to be at all. People who knew me well called it being passionate, and I've held onto that idea, because it makes me feel better. It puts a positive spin on a thing with a trail of so much negative behind it.
Maybe I really did stop maturing and growing as a person when I reached all 5'1'' of stature... in the 7th grade. I'm sorry to everyone I've hurt an alienated as a result. Please forgive me. | | |
| Lately, with my job situation being nonexistent, and the only constant friends I have are the ones who gave me life, the One who saved me, and the one to whom I will be married, life becomes rather boring. My sleep schedule is very off. I am choosing to stay up tonight in an effort to rectify this. We shall see if it works.
With all of the free time I've had on my hands, I've found myself often musing on the past. There are people I can't forget, places and events tied to them for all eternity, try as I might to delete them. I've thrown away all of my old journals (yes, even the infamous black Cafe Terrace journal from the dark age that was senior year), and yet there are still pieces of me spelled out here and on MySpace. Words I typed with tears in my eyes that aften caused controversy somewhere. Who gave me that power? I don't think I wanted it. I don't want it now.
I love the way the light glitters off my engagement ring that was my mother's. I love the way love shines in his eyes when he looks at me. There seem to be light and love in the darkest places. There always were, I just didn't know to look for it. Or if I did, perhaps I didn't want to. I enjoy my little corner of the world. I like that it is more connected to my future than any past era. The future only scares me thanks to lessons from my past.
I have taken to reading vampire romance novels written for young adults. I started with Twilight, right before it caught on like wildfire, and have moved to The Vampire Diaries. I'm not sure why I enjoy them. I think it's because they don't remind me much of life. They're simple reads, and characterization usually leaves something to be desired, but they're an escape. Other places for my mind to wander when idle, perhaps. I have also been making my way through the classics, though, so don't think I'm hopeless.
I may write more later, but I make no guarantees. | | |
| "You haven't updated your Xanga in forever," says the boyfriend. And so I update again.
I brought Andy to Adams Christmas after spending a couple days in Georgia with his family and friends. My parents actually bought him a present... and his parents bought me a present. My parents never buy presents for guys I'm dating.
I'm in the process of cleaning up and cleaning out my room at the parents' house and finding an apartment in Murfreesboro to move everything into. I have a meetings to look at prospective places to live tomorrow, and I hope to set up another or two. I made the mistake of watching the Style network one night when I couldn't sleep, and so I have a whole concept for the room. I had to start with all of the stuff I bought for my dorm room and go from there so that I wouldn't be tempted to spend a lot of money. I would feel guilty for going into the detail that I'm about to, but frankly, no one reads this blog anymore, and if they do, they can handle it.
I started with the rug I bought for the dorm that is various blues and lime green. I will probably use my circle chair and a lighter blue fleece blanket to cover it. Then there's the lime green storage ottoman I got to go with that last year. I already have the right size light blue sheets. I have a royal blue throw and a dark blue husband pillow and a lime green cotton blanket.
To add to all of that, I bought some cheap scraps of fabric at Wal-Mart that I can make pillows out of for both the bed and the chair. I'll probably buy some lime green fabric for a big pillow and then be done with the lime green and make everything else blues. I asked for a reversible dark blue and light blue comforter or a big fleece blanket for Christmas. One of the pieces of fabric I got is dark blue with silver stars. I am going to buy a couple packages of wooden stars I saw when I was getting the fabrics and paint them silver and put them all one wall. I'm going to make a painting or a series of drawings or photographs (I haven't decided yet) for over my bed. I have some dark blue fabric to make a window covering with. All I have to add is some light blue sheer over it and this ribbon and detailing I saw.
It's going to be fabulous. A little juvenile, perhaps, but I can make it work. | | |
| Update time, I guess.
I've been learning about love and then about being IN love. I fell in love something fierce... and then had to make myself fall back out (being IN love is a choice). I am building odd relationships that don't really make sense to anyone, including me, but they are good relationships. I'm not asking God a lot of questions anymore, I'm just learning to do what He tells me to. In a lot of area, that means throwing everything away and letting Him tell me how to rebuild.
Having thus established all of that, I'll give you the rest of the headlines: Current boyfriend Christian and musician, very good for me... School outlook grim, possible hiatus on horizon... Female roomate(s) needed for fall 07 semester... Fighting continues in full force on the home front... Becoming a to do list kind of person... Exes continue to resurface at strange times... Joined bowling league, 115 average, last series 398... OCD worsens... Life currently lived on MySpace, Facebook. | | |
| Someone's missing a lot of money by not writing a TV show based on my life... I can't escape the made-for-TV story lines. | | |
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